Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ministers of Sinister Activities!

I was just talking to Jay over the phone the other day and after the general Hi-Hello, How are things, I happened to ask him, Arre yaar! Elections are coming up! Whom do we vote for? And that led to this brilliant idea (the entire credit goes to Jay Shah... I've just put it into words!) We discussed how we; (our gang) if appointed to run the nation would change things. So we started talking about how we, as Ministers of this country can make a difference, who will take up what position and how that will help the country. Now that's a plan! ;-)

It was almost a ten to fifteen minute discussion (on an international call!) and unfortunately I could not remember who was supposed to handle what Ministry. So Jay and I clarified this over e-mail and chat and refreshed our memories; and once the final list of candidates and their positions was ready, I decided to post it over here. Neki aur pooch pooch ;-)

 (All the names are arranged in alphabetical order to avoid uncomfortable questions later!!)

Minister of Agriculture, Consumer Affairs, Food & Public Distribution
To quote Jay: Mummy ne Jaundice mein yaha vaha khane ko naa bola hai (will take good care of hygienic food.)

Reason: Aditya has always been the accha baccha of the group; always goes home on time, never disobeys parents... He's not like the rest of us who hang out with each other all the time if we have nothing else to do (except for Sandeep and I, who can't hang out every time even if we want to because we live far away,) you know... He makes a rare appearance in spite of staying fifteen minutes away from the rest of the gang!

Anyway, his mother forbade him to eat outside food when we was suffering from Jaundice and we all strongly believe that there is no one else better than him to take care of food, hygiene, etc and that's why he's won this post with no one else even being considered for it!

Duties: To ensure that...
1. Everyone in the group always has good (clean and tasty) food to eat at ALL times...
2. Snacks, drinks, desserts are readily available as per everyone's choices...
3. The quantity of eatables is made available as per the requirements and after considering the appetites of ALL the members of the group...
4. Food is distributed equally to everyone and is not concentrated at the Ministries of Defense and Finance.

Minister of Defense
To quote Jay: He left home to give an army exam and reached some other place. So let his dream come true.

Reason: It was always his dream to join the army, be a part of the country's defense force. He was preparing to appear for the NDA entrance exams but I'm really not sure why that didn't happen; I guess I should ask him about that someday. Mr. Patil is an engineer now and is currently studying for MBA from MET.

So Jay and I decided that since he wanted to be a part of the army and that didn't happen, let's give him the privilege of being the Minister of Defense. Also, judging by his appearance, he seems like someone people should beware of and not pick a fight with. So yeah, Ministry of Defense sounds perfect for him!

Duties: To ensure that...
1. The girls in the group are always protected from harm...
2. The Ministry has updates on the latest developments in the technology that the opponent is expected to use to cause harm and terror to female members of the group...
3. All the Ministries are well equipped with Defense mechanisms and can take care of trivial issues without the involvement of the Defense Minister himself...
4. All the members of the group are trained to handle basic attacks...

Minister of Trade
To quote Jay: IIM-A pass out hai. Kuch toh accha karega.

Reason: Now this guy is an IIM-A Graduate and has his own online store. So he helps you buy stuff you need, negotiate the price and then you get what you want at a (much) lower price compared to what is available in the market. Since he's already into trading, we decided why not offer him the position of Minister of Trade.

Duties: To
1. Regulate inflow and outflow of consumer products into the group...
2. Ensure that www.lootstreet.com gives us the most economical prices and the best stuff (free goodies are most welcome...)
3. Ensure that supply is always greater than or equal to the ridiculous demands of the group...

Minister of Communications & Information Technology and Minister of Foreign Affairs
To quote Jay: Doesn't know how to communicate with people well. So might learn something. (???)

Reason: This guy is a computer wizard! He has finished his engineering and is currently doing his Masters in USA. It was pretty obvious that when it comes to Information Technology and Communication systems, Mr. Shah would be our man! Also, since he has been living abroad for the past nine months, it would be best to leave all Foreign Affairs transactions under his control and supervision.

Mr. Shah has assumed the position of Minister of Communications and Information Technology as he believes that he needs to improve his communication skills. We (and I know I speak for everyone in the group when I say this) beg to differ. You don't give yourself much credit Jay!!! You are awesome!! :-) :-)

Duties: To ensure that...
1. All the Ministries have information on the latest available technologies for day to day operations...
2. Their data is secured and protected...
3. All the Ministries are linked through safe and highly secure networks and the communication channels are smooth...
4. The Minister of Defense has regular updates on new currencies and their availabilities...

Minister of Women & Child Development
To quote Jay: Too sensitive and will give a strong competition with the Defense Minister.

Reason: Jyothi has always fought for the right of women, especially when the Minister of Defense makes comments that women are supposed to serve men, are supposed to be their slaves. To quote the Defense Minister: "Aurat toh mard ke paav ki jooti hoti hai."

Not only does our brave Minister of Women & Child Development have an objection to this but has also put up a strong fight at such comments. She has shown the strength to protect her children - Thandai and Malaai, from the atrocities that the Defense Minister has promised will bequeath upon them.
She cares deeply for the welfare of women and loves to be around children (and of course has vowed to protect others' children from the Defense Minister as much as her own!) It is an honor, therefore, to appoint Ms. Jyothi V. as the Minister of Women & Child Development.

1. To protect children from all evil including our very own Defense Minister...
2. To protect the Minister of Education from the torture of the Defense Minister (seems like we'll have to appoint someone to save us from the Defense Minister!)
3. To ensure that women are given their due respect and honor...
4. To see to it that the Defense Minister forgets about the crap that he says (about Women) and helps protect women when in trouble...
5. To plan education schemes with the Minister of Education for the betterment of the society...

Minister of Education
To quote Jay: Daughter of a teacher always a cheater (sorry teacher.)

Reason: The entire group has always known Kamya as an intellectual and an academically strong person; who always tops school, has great scores, etc. Also, we have had the privilege of being taught by her mother in school.

So we decided to continue this trend and offered the Ministry of Education to Kamya since we thought that she could bring a new feel to the Education system with her unique and creative ideas.

1. To make the system more student-friendly than teacher-friendly...
2. To ensure that teachers have 100% attendance in class even if no student is present...
3. To abolish the useless system of examinations and provide degrees to students based on performance... Ahem ahem ;-)

Minister of Corporate Affairs
To quote Jay: Used to write about Affairs at Bombaybitch.com

Reason: First of all, Madhu is NOT a girl. Let's not get into the details of why a guy is called Madhu and just accept the fact that he is called so. He's quite the talker, witty, funny and friendly (though he and I didn't have the best start.) Anyway, he used to write for Bombaybitch.com (movie reviews and other stuff!)

So since he has experience in managing affairs, it only seems fair to give him a chance to try his luck at managing Corporate Affairs. With his wit with words, I'm sure he'll be great at negotiations and settlements (his name is Madhu... he'd better be able to sweet-talk people and get things done!)

1. To ensure that the Ministry always has a place to party (and at affordable prices!)
2. To plan events, make all necessary arrangements, negotiate prices, etc...
3. To handle legal matters and cases pertaining to other Ministries and ensure that word doesn't get out (it won't be long before the Minister of Women & Child Development or Minister of Education drags the Minister of Defense to court for harassment!!! Sorry Amit!! :-p)
4. To settle raadas that the Ministers may have created...
5. To take care of other businesses of the Ministers (wink wink)

Nikita (Me!)
Prime Minister
To quote Jay: The puppet will do what others say.

Reason: To be very honest I was really happy to know that I was offered the position of Prime Minister, but when I found out why and what I would be required to do, I was bummed; massively! Who wouldn't be?

It seems as if I am not capable of anything else (apparently) although it is a little bit of relief that I was considered for the position of the Finance Minister. But with another (almost) CA in the group, it was obvious who would be chosen to be the Finance Minister. Anyway, at least I'm saved of all the big decision-making and fire-fighting duties. I can stay in peace, watch others and just have fun!

I guess the only duty I have is to obey orders and make everyone else look good.

Minister of Sports
To quote Jay: Cricket premi will replace Sharad Pawar.

Reason: We all know about Omkar's love for Sports, whether it is playing cricket (and watching it) or making a smart ass comment about something and running while I'm chasing him all over the room! So it was evident that he was the only candidate for Minister of Sports (No we did not forget Sandeep; he was considered for this position. But he has more important things to do as Minister of Finance, so we thought the less important things could be handled by others :-p)

Besides, we don't know how seriously Omkar is going to take this (as if the rest of us are damn serious about it!) So its better to give him something that is important, but not vital!

1. To organize fun games and recreational activities for the Ministry (yeah right! Like he's going to do that!)
2. To invent and develop new games...
3. To stop considering chasing girls (and being chased by them for a totally different reason) as a sport and do some real work...

Minister of Tourism and Minister of Culture
To quote Jay: Something random! Seat khali tha.

Reason: Of all I know of Preeta, she travels quite a lot (have seen pictures of her trip to Rajasthan on Facebook.) Also, being in one of the hep colleges in the city definitely ensures that you are in touch with cultures of all kinds :-p

To be very honest, I agree with Jay. Seat khaali thi. Kisi ko toh sambhaalni thi. Why not her?

1. To identify good locations for outings...
2. To help preserve the environment with the help of Minster of Women & Child Development, Minister of Education and the Prime Minister...
3. To spread awareness about Indian (Mumbaiya to be more specific) culture...
4. To let the women in the Ministry know, What's Hot and What's Not...
5. Fashion tips for everyone so all the Ministers look Good!!! ;-)

Minister of Finance
To quote Jay: Jyaada sharif hai. Ghotala nahin karega.

Reason: Apart from being from a Finance background, the reason why he was chosen over me is maybe because with money matters, Jay trusts him more than anyone else (Not just me; EVERYONE else!) So we have an honest, down-to-earth person handling our Finances! Awesome! Nothing wrong with that; except for the fact that the Ministry has the fear of the Finance Minister saying, 'I'm resigning!!' every other week!

We're hoping that history will not repeat itself and he's going to stay put once appointed, but that doesn't dismiss the fear now, does it? He'll be the head of JRS Financial Services Pvt. Ltd.; with Jay providing the funding, and Mr. Kamath managing the finances and investing them profitably!

1. To NOT resign at the slightest of provocation or irritation...
2. To manage the funds available and efficiently employ them keeping in mind profitability and welfare of the Ministry...
3. To maintain proper books of accounts...
4. Obtain confirmations from Ministers as to balances due to them from other Ministers as well as balances payable by them at periodic intervals...
5. To provide Long-term as well as Short-term finance to Ministries depending on their credit ratings at reasonable credit terms and rates of interest...
6. To ensure that Ministers who have borrowed from the Union Fund are making timely payments of installments and are charged with a higher rate of interest in case of default over ninety days...
(Wow!! That was FUN!)

Minister of Home Affairs
To quote Jay: Cannot leave home after 8 PM.

Reason: The reason quoted by Jay signifies why HOME ministry has been assigned to Trupti. She will be given responsibilities which can be handled from Home and therefore there's no pressure to report to work early, or late working hours, making small talk with other people, etc. Pretty chilled out life! Carrom ramvanu, Juice pivanu, majja ni life :-p

1. Keeping a watch on all the Ministers and ensuring that they do their job.
2. Analyzing reports and monthly statements prepared by all the Ministries and making appropriate (as well as inappropriate :-p) suggestions...
3. Dumping more work and things-to-do on all the Ministries when they seem to have nothing to do...

President and Minister of Infrastructure & Rural Development
Yehi post bachhi thi... Sorry Vishal :-(
To quote Jay: I hope he will do something.

Reason: I pity Vishal for this! Poor guy got stuck with something that's not even remotely connected to his traits. Probably that's why Jay hoped that he will do something!!! Here's hoping that Vishal proves his might and does something awesome as President and Minister for Infrastructure & Rural Development (and doesn't kill me for giving him such a boring post!)

Probably something good will turn out when we list his duties. Let's give that a try.

1. To delegate all random tasks to other Ministers...
2. To preside over group meetings and make sure that the P.M. doesn't bore everyone to death with long talks and the Finance Minister with his jokes!!!
3. To decide punishments for Ministers who do not perform their duties (and bore rest of the members...)
4. To ensure availability of KFC goodies at affordable prices (also to check if any monthly or annual membership scheme is available...)

Well, that's what the future looks like if left with the Ministers of Sinister activities. All comments are made in jest and are not to be taken seriously. I know I've made Amit sound like Michael Jackson (with his torturing children stuff...) but please be rest assured that the torture will be restricted to Thandaai and Malaai only and even then we have Jyothi to their rescue.

Thanks Jay for this wonderful idea and the help with the comments! I hope everyone likes it... And please just don't read the post... Leave comments!! :-)


  1. awesome post...had fun reading it...

  2. lol...its damn funny! especially da thandaai n malaai part :D

  3. Brilliant..How can you even think of so much..Phew.....Zindagai nikal jayegi meri itna sochte sochte....he he...

  4. hahah...good job niki...u have put it all up really well..had an amazing time reading it!!!

    P.S: Change my pic..i look horrible in this one!!

  5. This was a hatke post ... amazing !!! Enjoyed reading it ...

  6. Oye... finally got the time to read it (inspite of numerous excuses of having exams)!!! It is awesome... Jay can be brilliant coming up with such 'random ;)' ideas... and who better to put it into sooooo many words!! :D really liked it!!! it even evoked full on laughter at certain sentences apart from the constant smile plastered throughout the read!