Thursday, August 13, 2009

Mixed Emotions

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am going through a lot of mixed emotions right about now and I can’t sleep. I used to spend sleepless nights exactly two months ago when I was appearing for my exams when I was sleeping only once in two days for twelve hours straight!

I can’t believe that it has been two months already since I finished my exams. It has felt like time has just flown by! Those fifteen days of exams felt like fifteen long years and these two months passed like two weeks??? Isn’t that unfair??

Anyway, coming back to what I am feeling right now… it’s hard for me to describe what I am going through. Since the day I finished my exams I knew they hadn’t gone well – especially group two. So I have been prepared to write the second group once again in November. I am a little hopeful about group one and if I fail that, it’s going to hurt.

On one hand I want to be positive and hope that like always, my luck is going to favor me (the tini-tiny bit of luck I haven’t exhausted yet that is…) On the other hand I want to be practical; to not get my hopes up and be prepared for the worst. I want that the story of my CA exams end here with no scope for second or third attempts, being fully aware that there’s a great chance that it might not be possible.

For the first time, I am confused as to what I want. I want to pass in the first shot but I also know that I haven’t given my best and would rather have a second chance to do well and then pass than merely scrape through!

I am not sure how I will react when I get my results! Even if I pass one group, will I be happy that half the hurdle has been crossed and I have got another chance to do really well and finish the story in just one more try or will I be upset even after having mentally prepared myself for this eventuality for almost two months now? What if I fail both groups? How would I react then? Forget about me… what about Amma and Papa?? What will they feel?

I wasn’t worrying about all this since my exams got over; not even yesterday evening. But as I’m getting closer to the results, my thoughts have started to wander in different directions and explore different possibilities. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to sleep. Right about now, I am going through the same anxiety, butterflies in my stomach, tension that I was going through before my first paper – not knowing what would happen, whether I would be able to handle it and it’s not a good feeling!

For all this while, I have not wanted to know what the results would be and given a choice I wouldn’t want to know even tomorrow. But it is essential for me to decide whether I have to pull myself together and prepare to face another grueling three months to get it over with or I can just move on to other things. I may not want to know; but I need to know!

- Azaad!!

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