Friday, April 30, 2010

In a Box

I feel like I am in a box; which quite literally means this house. Also, when used as a metaphor, I guess I want to say that I’m stuck, trapped; and I don’t like it. Its not just about not being able to get out of the house more often or not having many places to go around here (because with all the heat, I’d rather stay at home!) but more about the feeling of not being able to do what you want to or rather doing something that you absolutely don’t want to.

I may not make any sense to you, because I am just letting some steam off so bear with me.

The last two months, I’ve been at home trying very hard to focus on something very important – my exams that are starting Monday. I was fine until the first two weeks of March – studying with renewed energy and putting in every effort possible; and the next two just dragged on – with every hour that I sat with my books open seeming like months or even years trapped inside a tiny 8X10 cell, except that there was no warden outside my door.

By the beginning of this month, I wasn’t even remotely enthusiastic about it. Well, nobody is enthusiastic about exams ever; but anyone who is working hard towards achieving something must want it badly, must have the passion to do that for the rest of their lives for them to actually be able to succeed at it. And that’s exactly what I don’t have; and I am not ashamed to admit it.

If I look at the brighter side of things, aren’t I lucky to have figured out at the age of twenty three that I don’t want to do this, than after having worked my ass off at something I didn’t even care about for twenty odd years. How hard would it be then to make a career switch? And then everyone I know would ask why I hadn’t thought of this earlier. Why did I wait for so many years to realize that this is not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, instead of knowing right from the start that I was not carved out for this? And who would believe me when I told them that I knew this from the very beginning and didn’t do anything about it, because everyone who was older, experienced and cared about me told me what the right way to go about things was?

I am tired of trying to explain to everyone that you can’t make a singer out of an astronaut or an athlete out of a chef! They’re not built that way. Why is so hard for anyone to understand? I understand that back in their age, people finished their studies and landed up in the jobs they could find and worked at it sincerely and religiously for the rest of their lives! Some of them were fortunate enough to choose what kind of job they wanted to do and grow in their respective fields.

But how can a seventeen year old, who has not explored the world or the opportunities it provides, be expected to know what she wants to do for the rest of her life, when she hasn’t even seen one third of it. The Rest of my life, is a huge period of time, and therefore decisions regarding the same have to be thought of really carefully. And was I wrong because I accepted the advice that elders gave me? Of course not; because had I been so sure about what I wanted back then, I would’ve told them.

I don’t blame anybody for where I am today. I made the choices that brought me here. But at the same time, when I think about the choices I could have made, I think about how different life could have been; and I regret not standing my ground firmly and telling everyone what I wanted to become, rather than accepting their advice on what I should become.

All said and done, almost six years after I made the choice I am in a place where I am not happy with what I am doing and thinking about doing it for the rest of my life, is not something I can bear. I don’t see myself happy if I continue to tread on this path. So I have taken this decision and I know that it is still not too late – it never is.

So after wasting about a year and a half behind this, my parents are finally beginning to see what I mean and are willing to let me do something that I want, something that I care about and something that I’d put my heart and soul into when I do it.

I’m going to be getting out of this box soon enough – literally and figuratively; and I can’t wait. It is the beginning of a new phase in my life – with new things to learn, new people to meet, new mistakes to make and new ways to be happy.