Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Void!

It has been a little over two months now and I still feel the same. I thought that with time, I would feel better. But I guess it's never going to go back to the way it was - for another five years at least, and by then, "the way it was" would have a whole new definition. Ugh! I am the worst when it comes to dealing with change; I'm like a little kid, or a really old person.

Change is good, or so I've heard. But I don't see any "good" in this. What's so good about my best friend being a thousand miles away from me, in a totally different time zone, who sleeps when I'm (supposed to be) awake and who's awake when I'm (supposed to be) sleeping; especially when I barely get to speak to her once a week (as opposed to being able to speak to her almost every day!), not to mention that I have been able to see her only because of skype???

She left on the first of August this year, for FIVE years!!! Do you even know how long that is?? We'll be almost done with our twenties by the time she's back here for good!! Maybe (if the Gods are with us on this one), a few of us may even be married!! I don't want my best friend to NOT be here for all of THAT!!! I need to stop putting exclamations at the end of each sentence!!! Really!! Okay, I'm done now.

It was hard in the beginning, learning to live without someone who was always there every single time. But I figured that given time, I would be able to adjust with the situation and accept the fact that she's not here; the latter of which has happened. I'm still coming to terms with the conversations that are missing and in a way, the lack of conversations with her have made a difference. For a person as talkative and in need of conversations as I am, even the one person who is here and has taken over Jyothi's role in addition to his own, couldn't do much in spite of his best efforts.

For most types of conversations, I can do with just being able to discuss it with him; although talking to a girl might give me a totally different perspective about the entire situation. But what do I do when I want to discuss stuff about him????? A girl needs to talk to her bestie and no guy can replace that! To make all of our lives easier, I wish he could, but he can't. He's a guy, and therefore not an ideal candidate for girlie discussions AT ALL and I'm sure he has no qualms about it. He'd rather have it that way than be a part of all the girlie stuff anyway, and so would I. 

As a result there's this void left - which would probably explain the lack of enthusiasm in blogging or any other activity that I previously enjoyed - through no fault of anyone, if I may add. 

It's not just the conversations, it's also affecting other areas of my life - my social life, for instance. My closest friends live two hours away from me and these are the people I've known since kindergarten. When I moved here, I made a few friends but I'm still closer to my old friends and prefer to hang out with them than anyone else. When Jyothi was here, there wasn't any issue. Every Saturday night that I was at Andheri to meet everyone, I used to stay back at her place because by the time we were done "socialising," it was too late for me to travel all the way back on my own. It was a very convenient arrangement, because my parents didn't mind as long as I was staying at a girl's place.

And then she moved to the US! Now, I have to to be done by 8.30 pm so that I can catch the last direct train from Andheri which is somewhere around 9ish so that I can reach home before 11. It's such a waste of time...  

As if that wasn't enough, I'm stuck here with a bunch of guys, who consider me as one of them. It's a great thing to be consider as 'one of us' in a group and being the only girl left, I feel really special. But try being 'one of them' when they're gawking at girls. They're just short of expecting me to join them, and I'm not even kidding.

The night we saw Jyothi off at the airport and were on our way back home; the guys started a discussion that I would rather not have been a part of. Although it's a great feeling that five guys are comfortable talking 'guy stuff' around you, a girl needs a break sometimes because she's heard more guy stuff in the last two months than she has in her entire lifetime. It would be so much easier on my social life at least if there was another girl in the group to hang out with!!

And it's not like I haven't tried to find a replacement for her. There have been quite a few candidates. But what am I supposed to do when God didn't make even a single person (within 50 kilometres of where I am) who comes close to the way she is! Okay! That's not true. There are loads of awesome people out there!! But even if they are just as good as her, somewhere inside my heart, I don't want anyone to replace her. A classic case of 'having the cake and wanting to eat it too.' 

I am so screwed!

P.S. I am not blaming her at all, because she hasn't gone away deliberately just to put me through this. She's losing out on a lot more by not being here this very minute than I am. I'm sure her side of the story is even more painful. I guess I'm just trying to say that I miss her, a lot. 

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